Duo and the Lottery
by Kira Senpai
Summary: I haven't had time to write lately, so this is one that I wrote a long time ago. Relena-bashing, explosions, caffeine... Duo's craziness might be a little over-done though. But hey, pleeze R+R


Duo and the Lottery  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. The people who own Gundam Wing own Gundam Wing. Make sense?  
  
  
  
"You'll always be my best friend, Pikachu!"  
"Pamper the skin they're in."  
"Image is nothing. Thirst is everything. Obey your thirst."  
"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"  
Duo lay flopped on the couch, flipping through the channels. He grabbed a handful of Bar-B-Q -flavoured Lays and stuffed them in his mouth, then reached out to the coffee table where his cream soda was, but he couldn't reach, so he just grabbed a handful of roasted peanuts from the bowl he was balancing on his stomach instead.  
He had invited all the gundam pilots over to his place for a little get-together, but only Quatre had come, out of politeness. Right now he sat in an armchair, nibbling on carrots.  
Duo finally stopped on the sports channel. Golf. "Aww, how can anyone like this sport? No one ever gets hurt!" He watched as the ball went hurtling high in the air and landed on the green. He was about to change the channel when a commercial came on, and he became transfixed as he watched the advertisement on quality golf clubs. "Hey, I want one of those! Golf is cool!" Duo's eyes grew wide with excitement.  
Quatre sighed quietly to himself. He was used to this. Duo wanted everything he saw on TV. He just couldn't ignore advertisements.  
"The big one is here! Lotto 649's million dollar jackpot!"  
Duo sat bolt upright and his bowl of peanuts flew across the room, showering peanuts everywhere, and stared hard at the TV.  
"That's right. This is your chance to win one million dollars!"  
Duo was clutching the couch so hard his knuckles were going white and his eyes grew wide as dinner plates.  
"Mmmmph," Quatre grumbled. He knew that the outcome of this would not be at all pleasant.  
"So buy your Lotto 649 tickets today!"  
". . .must get lottery tickets. . . must get lottery tickets. . ." Duo murmured, staring absently at the TV screen, as the game of golf came back on. He stood up, and spilled peanuts fell from his lap onto the floor. He started walking towards the door.  
Quatre was worried. "Uh, Duo? Are you feeling okay?"  
". . .must get --Ya, I'm fine. Wanna go downtown with me?"  
"Uh, s-sure. . ." Quatre replied uneasily. He knew he couldn't leave Duo alone when he was like this. Strange things were bound to happen.  
  
* * *  
  
Quatre walked in silence, glancing over his shoulder every once in a while to see if anyone was staring at Duo, who skipped merrily up ahead.  
Duo turned and skipped into his favourite malt shop, Bob Tate's. He strode up to the counter. "Hey, Bob, my usual," he said to the obese counter personnel.  
"One extra large chocolate malt, two medium root beers, one banana split with extra fudge sauce, and eight maraschino cherries coming right up," Bob replied.  
When he said "extra large chocolate malt", he meant it. That thing was huge! Quatre was astounded. He knew for a fact that Duo came here every other day. How could he eat this much and never gain an ounce?  
Duo licked his lips greedily as he sat down with his tray of solid calories. "Need my brain food," he muttered, as he picked up a spoon and began digging into the banana split.  
Just then, Heero came bursting into the malt shop, looked around, saw Duo and Quatre, and came hurrying over to them. "Hide me," said, with a note of panic in his voice.  
Quatre stared quizzically at Heero. His usual calm, cold manner was forgotten and instead of glaring at them both, he just gazed helplessly at them.  
Duo, his mouth full of cherries, gestured carelessly to under the table and Heero, without a moments hesitation, dove under, just as Relena walked in.  
She saw Duo and Quatre and came over, striding with her usual ladylike grace. "Have you two seen Heero?" she asked innocently.  
Duo took a big sip of root beer and replied, "Nope."  
A cough could be heard from under the table. Relena's eyes narrowed as she stared at the table as if she could see through it, then crouched down. "Heero!" she said happily. "There you are! What are you doing down there?"  
She yanked Heero out from under the table. He glared at her.   
Quatre could only stare at several pieces of gum from under the table that were stuck in Heero's hair.  
"Come on Heero," Relena giggled, ignoring his icy-cold "I will kill you" glare. "Let's go shopping. I need to buy a dress to match the nail polish I just bought." She grabbed Heero's arm and he was swiftly towed away.  
Duo noisily finished the last of his malt. "Let's go!" he said to Quatre with new zeal.  
Quatre didn't ask where they were going next; he didn't want to know.  
Duo led Quatre through the streets, turning into a back alley. They walked around a spilled garbage can and passed a tabby cat. Up ahead was an old street man. "Hello there, Duo," he said heartily as they approached.   
"Hey, Rupert, how's it going?" Duo responded. They came to a dead end. "Lessee now. . . nine from the bottom, six from the left." He pushed on one of the bricks and the wall slid open. "Here we are, Diagonal Alley."  
Quatre cautiously followed Duo into the secret passage and the wall slid closed behind them.  
This wasn't much of an alley, really; there was just one stand at the very end. Over it was a sign that read, Custom Weapons: If it annihilates, we have it. "Hiya, Mortimer," Duo called.  
A very thin, tall man appeared from behind a black curtain at the back of the stand. He had an enormous nose and a patch over one eye. "Duo. Welcome. What can I get you today?"  
"Actually, I was wondering if you had any lottery tickets," Duo answered eagerly.  
"Hold on, let me check." He went behind curtain and came back holding a box full of lottery tickets. Duo reached in and grabbed one.  
"Heeeyy, these are from nine years ago!"  
"Do you want 'em or not?"  
"Naw, just get me six grenades, a dozen stink bombs, a PP7, and a golf club," he responded.  
Mortimer took the box of lottery tickets back behind the curtain and reappeared with the grenades, stink bombs, a sharp-looking gun, and a shiny new golf club.  
Duo reached into his pockets and dumped out several bills, and loads of nickels, dimes, and pennies. Mortimer took the money and dumped it into a large bag.  
"Well, let's go, Quatre," Duo said as he shoved the grenades and stink bombs into pockets just above his knees that Quatre had never noticed before. No wonder his pants always bulged like that.  
Quatre followed Duo out of Diagonal Alley.  
  
* * *  
  
"Ah, the good old mall!" Duo said, his golf club over his shoulder. He looked around, spotted a small coffee shop, and almost ran towards it. Duo ordered the biggest cappucino they had. Quatre got a 7UP. Just as he was paying, Duo exclaimed, "Hey, they have lottery tickets!"  
Sure enough, under the glass counter, there were rows and rows of lottery tickets. "I'll get twenty of the 649 tickets," he said eagerly.  
They sat at a table and sipped their drinks. Quatre counted the coffee stains on the table while Duo people-watched.   
"Hi, guys," a familiar voice came from behind. Quatre looked up and Duo whirled around to see Relena and Heero standing by their table. "I still haven't found a dress that goes with my nail polish," she said gloomily. "I did, however, find matching hair barrettes, bracelets and socks." She smiled triumphantly.  
Duo looked at Heero, who was glaring at him in such a way that Duo could almost read his thoughts: If you don't get her away from me right now, you won't live to see another day.  
"Ahem," said Duo, "Heero, don't we have a mission to take care of?"  
Heero stared at him for a moment, then understood. "Uh, oh ya, the mission. Gotta go with them. . ." he muttered, inching away from Relena, who eyed him suspiciously for a moment, then said, "Hmm, all right, then. Where are the pay phones? I gotta call Dorothy, she'll come shopping with me." She walked off, stepping lightly in her pink high heels.  
  
* * *  
  
Duo, Heero, and Quatre left the mall and walked downtown towards the park. The caffeine was starting to sink in. Duo kept giggling to himself and every once in a while he would yell, "I am the God of Death!" When he did this, everyone around would stare at him, but he didn't seem to notice.  
Up ahead was a thin crowd of people. Duo decided to investigate. He pushed through to the centre of the crowd and saw Trowa and Wufei sitting on lawn chairs on either side of a small table, having a game of chess. "Hi, guys!" he shouted, perhaps a little loudly, because Trowa jumped and Wufei yelled, "Shut up, Maxwell!"  
The game looked pretty intense. Both of them looked like they were in complete concentration. Perfect! Duo went from Trowa to Wufei, Wufei to Trowa, tickling the backs of their necks with the end of his braid. Trowa tried his best to ignore it, but Wufei looked really ticked.  
Just when he was about to punch Duo in the gut, Catherine walked over. "Hi, everybody. Trowa, you're needed at the circus," she said.  
Trowa stood up and silently walked away.  
"What! No!" Wufei spluttered. "Come back and fight me like a man, you coward! INJUSTICE!!!"  
"I'll play you," Duo volunteered.  
Wufei pretended he hadn't heard. "Heero?"  
"I don't play board games."  
"I'll play!" Duo called.  
"Quatre?"  
Afraid that Wufei would yell at him too, he replied timidly, "No, thanks."  
"I'LL PLAY!"  
"Fine, Maxwell. Your move," Wufei said reluctantly.  
Duo sat in Trowa's chair, and stared at the playing pieces. "Hmmm. . ." He moved a pawn five spaces.  
"No, no, no, Maxwell, pawns can't move like that!" Wufei barked.  
"Sure they can, mine just did."  
"That's not how you play chess!"  
"That's exactly how I play chess!"  
Quatre covered his eyes just in time. He heard a large wham! followed by a thud.  
  
* * *  
  
The door to Duo's place swung open and Heero and Quatre walked in, supporting Duo between them. They dropped him on the couch. Duo groaned and touched his black eye. He winced, then grabbed the remote and turned on the TV.  
"Hey, they're announcing the winning number!" he cried, and pulled his twenty lottery tickets out from his hidden pockets. "Heh heh. . . I'm gonna win! I can sense it!"  
"26. . ."  
"Woo-hoo!"  
". . .14. . ."  
"Yesss! One more number and I'll have a million dollars!"  
". . .93. . ."  
"WHAT ? ! ? !"  
"That's 26, 14, 93."  
Everyone within a five-mile radius could hear Duo's blood-curdling scream.  
Heero and Quatre looked at each other, then back at Duo. He was pearly white and stiff as a board. He held his arms in front of him with his fingers bent like claws. His mouth was open wide as if he were still screaming but no sound came out. His eyes were open wide and he wasn't blinking.  
Just then the phone rang. Duo slowly moved his arm and picked up the phone with rigid fingers. "Hhhhhhhhhi," he wheezed.  
A high, cheerful voice spoke rapidly at the other end. "Duo! It's Relena! Guess what! You'll never believe what just happened. I WON THE LOTTERY!!!"  
Duo, his face still in a silent scream, dropped the phone.  
Quatre and Heero had heard what Relena had said. Heero slumped in his chair and glared at the ceiling, while Quatre picked up the phone and said, "You won the lottery, Relena? That's really great. . .Congratulations. . ." between her shrill howls of delight.  
Neither Heero nor Quatre notice that Duo was gone.  
  
* * *  
  
Duo walked briskly towards Relena's house, carrying a huge duffel bag with him. Thought she could win his million dollars, did she? Well, he'd show her! "Heh heh. . ." he cackled, patting his duffel bag. She'd get what was coming to her, he'd make sure of that!  
  
* * *  
  
"Well, congratulations again, Relena. Bye, now." Quatre put down the phone. "Now, Duo, I -" He gasped. "Heero! Duo's not here!" He picked up the walkie-talkie that was clipped to his belt. "Attention, 03 and 05! This is 04. Code Black. I repeat, Code Black. Duo's on one of his rampages again. Over."  
A moment's pause, then Trowa's voice said, "Roger."  
Another pause, then "10-4," came Wufei's voice.  
"Heero, let's go," Quatre said.  
  
* * *  
  
Duo hummed quietly to himself as he rummaged through his duffel bag, sitting behind a bush on Relena's property. "Uzi? Nah. Dynamite? Nope. TNT? Hmm, maybe. Bazooka? Nope. Rubber chicken? How did that get in there? Nuclear war head? Maybe a little much. Remote mines? Sure! Ooh, and my golf club."  
He stuffed his hidden pockets full of remote mines and the detonation device, took his golf club, and climbed through a window into Relena's house. He looked around. The coast was clear. He ran up the grand stairs and into Relena's bedroom.   
"Heh heh. . . She must still be out shopping," he said to himself. He looked around. She must have really loved pink, because that was the theme colour. Duo dug in his pockets and pulled out twelve remote mines. Whistling a happy tune, he stuck a mine under Relena's pink bed, one in her closet, behind her pink dresser, one in her stuffed animal collection, some more on her bed, and stuck the rest to the ceiling.  
Cackling evilly to himself, he ran back downstairs. Without warning, Relena suddenly came inside. Instinctively, Duo dove behind a bushy houseplant just in time.  
Relena walked up the stairs, carrying more shopping bags than one would think was physically possible. When she was up the stairs and entering her room, Duo was just about to make a bolt for the window when suddenly Quatre, Heero, Trowa, and Wufei burst in the door.  
They looked around, saw Duo, and ran towards him, but he swung his golf club at them. "I'm warning you! Stay back!" he hissed insanely. He pulled the detonation device out of his pocket. "I'll do it!"  
The pilots backed away, all except for Heero, who started stepping slowly towards Duo. "Duo, put the detonation device down. Not even Relena deserves to die like this," he said, although he shivered as he said that.  
He took one more step forward, then Duo scrunched up his eyes, and click!   
The gundam pilots all flung themselves behind any furniture they could find. A long silence followed.  
Then they heard a strange hissing noise, and Relena's high-pitched scream. All five gundam pilots, including Duo, looked up towards Relena's room. Thin, green clouds of smoke were spreading throughout the house, and a putrid smell.  
"Wah! My stink bombs!" Duo cried, and flung himself out the window. The others looked at eachother. The smell was getting unbearable. Heero, Trowa, Quatre, and Wufei all jumped out the window, meeting Duo at the bottom. Together they all ran away from Relena's house and her terrified screams.  
  
* * *  
  
Duo sat on his couch, watching TV, munching on cashews. Now that he was back to his normal self and in his right mind once again, he sat and pondered. The outcome of his little adventure wasn't all bad. All the other gundam pilots were now afraid of him, except for Heero, who all of a sudden acted as though Duo was his best friend. This, Duo thought, was probably because no one had seen Relena in weeks. She had been hiding in her house for almost a month, probably due to the fact that she would never smell the same again.  
Duo flipped through the channels and stopped on YTV.  
"So quick, buy your very own Furby! Each one sold separately."  
". . .must get Furby. . .must get Furby. . ."  
  
The End  
  
/PLEEZE/ review. I don't care if you liked it or hated it, I have a very boring life and would greatly appreciate it if you would review. Pleeze???? 


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